First, the satisfaction in telling off someone is brief. I can’t speak for everyone, but I have found a fair degree of self-loathing present after I have told off another. At the very least, I set a higher standard for myself–in spite of the occasional failure to meet that standard. I wish to treat others as I would like to be treated, the old Golden Rule. Whether someone deserves a sound verbal drubbing or not just doesn’t measure up to the standards I strive to meet.

Second, ours is truly a small world, especially now that electronic networking gives friends, strangers, co-workers and bosses access to every thought we’ve ever allowed to be posted. On and offline, we must strive to earn and maintain a reputation as a solid citizen, one not prone to violent outbursts, uncontrolled emotions, snarky insults, or poor judgment. We also need to avoid the perception that we are whiny or vindictive.

Burning bridges, whether posted online or acted out face to face, does not advance us to the other side where we could reach our goals; burning bridges actually imprisons us in the cell of another’s design. The recipient of our fire will judge us and probably label us as malcontents, predisposing others to see us that way. We may be forced to spend months or even years rebuilding our reputations after one moment venting our frustrations and dislike.

Third, truly successful human relations require that we work effectively with all kinds of people. That’s one reason that Human Resources managers look favorably upon applicants who play sports. An athlete is usually a team player, someone who can suppress his own shot on goal in order to make the smarter play, feeding the ball to a teammate. Furthermore, athletes can take it. Like Kerri Strug who vaulted for a medal in spite of injury, they push through the pain, they take coaching no matter how it’s delivered, and they persevere. Burning bridges is not a smart team play; it’s childish, something like taking your ball and going home, ruining the game for everyone.

I have worked beside some smart, dedicated people, several of whom wanted to speak their speech upon departure. One man went on to a better position in a much more urbane, rewarding setting, but those last words, the ones he could not in good conscience resist, fell upon deaf ears. His advice was simply ignored–completely and utterly, and that is the final reason that we should avoid burning bridges. People just don’t want to hear it.

So while dealing with abusive managers and difficult clients, smile, breathe, and repeat: I will not burn bridges. I have everything to lose and almost nothing to gain.

The most common course of action seems to be the path of least resistance: grin and bear it. Followed by nights at home with our loved ones venting out frustrations, then getting up the next morning and do it over again. A living hell, for many who depend on unpleasant people for their livelihoods.

I have had my share of difficult clients and managers, and I have been lucky enough to have the majority share of my clients be wonderful people. But many people who read this understand what I mean when they feel “stuck” with someone who makes their career a torment. It happens to all of us, and to the best of us. Even the most devoted of employees, the most gracious of graphic designers, or the most accommodating of developers, will encounter at some point in their career “the nightmare client” — internal or external.

It’s natural to think of who’s to blame when it happens, and wondering to yourself if you’re the good guy and if they’re the bad guy.  The blame game is long and winding and neverending, and while it might feel natural to play it, it’s the last thing that matters. According to this WebMD article, “Constant stress can make you more likely to get sick more often. It can also lead to long-term health problems such as heart disease, high blood pressure, back problems, and depression.” And as an old saying I’ve heard goes: “If you hold on to a piece of burning coal, you’re only hurting yourself. Best to let it go.”

What ultimately matters is your own quality of life, happiness, and health, which boils down to not who’s to blame, but how you react to your situation. And how you react may depend on the consequences:

If your manager or if the client is key to your livelihood, there is not much of a chance of being rid of this individual at the drop of a hat. If a large part of your finances is dependent on keeping this person happy, ending the relationship could be rash and lead to more problems. The best way to regain control over your life is to create for yourself a new option– find opportunities that alleviate your dependence on this person.

This might mean extra work for you– work you might not have the energy for– but let the prospect of a happier life inspire you. Go job hunting, and take this opportunity to improve your resume or take your contacts out to lunch to get a feel for what’s out there. If you have a large client you’re dependent on, make it a priority to find new clients. Don’t allow yourself to be reliant on just a few people’s whims– fortify your business by focusing on growth without sacrificing quality.

If you are not largely financially dependent on your manager or the client, then count yourself lucky. While it’s hard to end projects or engagements, especially when they’re incomplete, there are times when this is simply the best course of action. Personally, I am all for customer service, whether that be for my manager or for a client. There are even some occasions when it’s appropriate to go the extra mile, do that extra work without charge, or stay up late to give it your best.

However, there is a line in the sand that every employee should draw regarding how they are to be treated. If a manager or client crosses that line, it becomes less about the money or the referrals they could bring in and more about whether or not you need this person or this business in your life. It’s important to always remain respectful, and to always make sure you’re not leaving the person high and dry, especially out of spite. There may be times when it truly was no one’s fault, just working styles or personality differences, something we can relate to romantic relationships.

I began to write a paragraph that talks about what to do if there really are no other options or any way to be rid of the grief your manager or client is causing you, but I stopped because I truly believe that there is always another option. There may not always be a diplomatic way of ending a relationship and taking the high road, however hard we may try, but there is always an opportunity to grow and learn from even the worst circumstances to turn them into self-empowerment and, eventually, a happiness that we make for ourselves.

In the United Kingdom, doctors have long tested for Celiac and recommended a gluten-free diet for people allergic to gluten, a protein resulting when wheat, rye, and barley grains are processed. Now America’s medical professionals learn about this autoimmune disease, including the fact that about one in 105 people are allergic to gluten and therefore their bodies are unable to absorb gluten properly. They experience frequent loose stools, fatigue, hives,  joint aches, and in infants, a failure to thrive.

Some people, including Anthony Bourdain, think that food allergies are over-diagnosed in the United States. When I heard him in concert promoting his television show, charmed life, and latest book, he noted that few Europeans require dairy-free or gluten-free foods. In his opinion, Americans are pretty silly and should consume a well-balanced diet for maximum health and happiness. Many young mothers with children afflicted with gastric upsets and skin conditions will counter that food sensitivities are very real and very hard to pin down.

Still, try Googling “gluten-free overdiagnosed” and see the long list of articles and programs arguing that yes, indeed, gluten allergies are over-diagnosed, especially in that many people self-diagnose or  just choose not to eat gluten. I even met a woman in the aisle at Whole Foods who professed that she did not undergo any medical testing, but decided that she and her husband would be much better off if they avoided gluten.

Imagine then my discomfort in having to inquire about gluten when ordering in restaurants or announcing to others that I must pass by their dish on the potluck table because it contains gluten products. I see an invisible veil drop as one of two things occurs to them. The first is “What the hell is gluten? Should I know what that word means?” and the second is “Oh, that. Another faux Celiac.”

A few people ask what gluten is, and I am repeatedly surprised to learn that most people do not seem to know what goes into the products they consume. When I answer that gluten is a protein found in foods made from wheat, rye, barley, and in the U.S., oats because they are processed in the same mills as wheat, I usually just confuse my listener.

But if people follow that explanation, they then assume that I just can’t eat bread until I remind them that pizza crust, pasta, cakes, and pies are also made with wheat. Then I add that some vinegars, almost all soy sauces, many candies, several soups, lots of salad dressings, and even ice cream may contain starches made from grains; in other words, gluten. One ubiquitous restaurant-chain adds wheat flour to its whipped butter so shopping and eating out are challenging to those of us with genuine gluten allergies.

If anyone still wants to talk to me, they next want to know what happens if I consume gluten, and I grimace. It’s personal and embarrassing. The gastrointestinal consequences are just plain gross so I usually begin with the mildest symptom: hives. Itchy, red blotches spring forth when I have stumbled upon gluten, and it’s unpleasant.

What makes all of this even worse is that I am overweight. Since my body doesn’t use the proteins wisely, I often have the feeling of being hungry, and I didn’t understand why until a physician’s assistant decided to test for gluten sensitivity in order to explain the symptoms of which I complained. Learning that I am sensitive to gluten liberated me from one IBS diagnosis after another and advice to live better through chemistry because I couldn’t stop the hives from appearing and reappearing. I felt better almost instantly and continue to feel better, especially when compared to those earlier decades, but I still haven’t overcome the habit of overeating. (I’m working on it, and I will thank you for your encouragement.)

I prefer to be an undemanding sufferer. When people suggest we eat out, I know that I will quite likely have some trouble thereafter. Waiters and waitresses often have no idea what goes into the foods they serve, and most have no idea what gluten is. A few restaurants have a gluten-free menu (it’s pretty slim pickings, I might add). Thus, quite often my go-to menu item is a salad dressed with lemon juice and oil because I hate to become a spectacle, and I hate to send the server back to the kitchen to discover the ingredients for a particular item on the menu. I also hate to hold up all the other people at the table while we all wait upon the kitchen’s answer.

If you are the mother of a child with food sensitivities, I sympathize. It can be maddening to isolate the offending food. My own daughter was sensitive to dairy for several early years, but as many kids do, she overcame. Her allergy to nylon–not a food, of course–has never waned, however. She was miserable when wearing garments with any nylon content and complained that something was stinging her skin. A physician ordered testing and the allergy found; her life became so much easier then just as mine as after fifty years of misery.

So perhaps Celiac or gluten allergies are over-diagnosed, but that has more to do with raising our consciousnesses than with abuses of medicine. Just do your homework, get tested if you think you should, and fade into the background. You’ll feel so much better if you do.

The Kid performs these actions over and over and over again until his body knows what to do without his mind needing to inform it. Muscle memory takes hold so completely that the Kid can transfer the movements from one context into another with ease. He can polish a car or use the upper body strength acquired to deflect blows his enemy would like to land upon him. He can balance on one foot so perfectly that he needs only one after his other leg has been badly hurt.

Once the Kid’s body has learned its moves and adapted their use, the mind is at liberty to take in higher learning. The mind appreciates the body’s health and strength and calibrates the degree of confidence and courage coursing through the body’s veins. The mind is at peace, focused upon repetitive motion, empowered by repeated successes. The mind derives satisfaction from doing one thing well and sets higher and higher goals for achievement.

So it is for men and women, but the tedium I have in mind is still done most often by women who undertake daily or at least weekly the very ho-hum, humdrum, mind-numbing work of making and keeping a clean house. We know well the transformational power of doing mundane tasks repeatedly.

Look into any sunbeam. Put your hand forth and feel the change in temperature, but as you enjoy the warmth, you also bear witness to the tiny particles that swim and dance in the light. Those particles will come to rest upon carpets, tables, and figurines held dear. Those particles must be stirred and captured frequently to avoid that patina that grows into a dull film. You must dust today, tomorrow, and tomorrow and many days thereafter all your days, and the very thought of all those cloths and circular motions once made me run for cover until, that is, I thought of the Kid.

Homemaking, like the Kid’s martial-arts training, requires practice with only the vaguest sense of what lies at the end of the work. When Mother assigned me to dust, I absolutely hated the chore and felt quite sorry for myself (I was barely in double digits, then, okay?). Not only was the task abhorrent, but Mother was quite the nag.

“Did you dust the rungs underneath the chair?” she challenged when I tried to forfeit the dust cloth. “How about the space between the uprights on the stairwell?”

I had to turn around and start again, now not just feeling sorry for myself, but feeling angry too. I wanted to give up, to quit and felt quite hopeless about ever satisfying Mother. I had no idea what was to come, of course: the satisfaction in having begun a task and completing it to the best of my ability, thereby satisfying no one but myself.

That is the real joy of work whether it is dusting, mopping, or debugging a complicated computer program. When we prove to no one except ourselves that we can undertake pleasant or unpleasant work and see it through, we find satisfaction.

This is what I wish for every young person who has ever fallen behind in school work or found himself in troubles that seem insurmountable. I wish the girls and the boys the gift of perseverance for in persevering, we overcome. Whether it is Mr. Miyagi’s example, a Mother’s nagging, a teacher’s coaxing, or a financial advisor’s “tough love,” let our children tackle tedium, commit it to muscle memory, and in the process, learn to be fulfilled even by work that may need to be performed again and again and again as we stumble forward into the unknown of the next year.

This weekend I spent some time working on my strengths. I entered a time trial race and got 2nd place. It’s really fun at times to focus on what you are good at. But, in athletics as with life, sometimes most energy should be focused on weaknesses.

For example, I am a good, strong flat rider. But why would I go out and ride the flats all the time? All that is going to do is reinforce what I am already good at. There are two things that are my weaknesses in riding – leg speed and hills. Therefore, I should spend as much of my riding time as possible working on both those things.

The same is true in life. I’ve recently been reminded that one of the things I am really bad at is considering the needs of others before my own. So, that is something for me to keep in the front of my mind and work on daily in little ways.

The same is also true in the professional life. If I only focus on my areas of strength, then I am not growing in areas I need to. Some of the areas I’ve
committed to working on this year in my professional life are algorithms (technical) and public speaking (managerial).

Working on my personal and professional weaknesses can sometimes feel as painful as being 30 minutes into a steep hill on my bike. But, I know that suffering through the work will pay huge dividends when it comes time for my next race of truth. And, I’ve also found that working on my weaknesses somehow ends up strengthening my strengths at the same time.

Excellent fashion advice and fashion resources are a everywhere, but in a nutshell, here’s what I think are the top 3 “fashion” tips that anyone can apply when it comes to their wardrobe:  Attitude, Fit, & Fabric.

Attitude (There are two sides to this coin)

One side of the coin is that you think of yourself as a blank canvas and the clothes you put on create the portrait.  What does that picture look like?  What mood, tone, image does it project?  This changes depending on the setting.  For example, there are great articles on what colors go with your complexion or the psychology of colors applied to clothing — and I do keep this in mind when selecting an outfit on any given day.

Will I be in a situation where I’ll need to feel confident?  Then I’ll pick a red.

Or does the context require self-assured, but not so bold — then I might go with a white or a light khaki linen look with black accents (seasonally appropriate, of course).

The idea is that there’s a deliberateness that should be factored into each dressing decision (think politicians and the red, white & blue dress code of the candidates).  Women seem to have a greater innate sense of the need to find the right outfit, but not always quite knowing what it is — hence the occasional pile-up of every possible article of clothing on a bed with the end result of still feeling like there’s nothing to wear.  Context matters as you dress the mannequin (you), but so does the role you want to play within a particular scenario.

That’s the other side of the coin.  Conversely, your clothes should “frame” you — as you truly are the masterpiece worthy of display.  Your attire should showcase who you are as a person and bring out the best of you.  I love that it is a big wide wardrobe world (though there definitely is a need for the fashion police to patrol it).  My daughter (savvy on pinterest, stumbleupon,  & instagram)  loved London last summer as she was so struck by how fashion-forward it was as everyone expressed their individuality.  Develop your personal style… however, fashion and style are not synonymous.  It also doesn’t mean that if you have a personal preference for a look that you never change it up.

Fads come and go  (and in the case of jelly shoes, scrunchies and belly-button piercings of the 90s, should not be resurrected).  I personally have an affinity for vintage, classic hats, and 40s, 50s, 60s Grace Kelly, Jackie O. looks,  but I’m less able to take creative license the older I get–it’s a fine line between fashion statement and ridiculous!  (Like thinking it’d be fun to go country for a night out of line dancing in cowboy hat, boots & jeans–I think fun, my kids think ridiculous.)

Thanks to Kate Middleton Mountbatten-Windsor, Duchess of Cambridge, hats and classic tailoring are finding their way into the current fashion couture.  You can incorporate the latest trends (age appropriately), but growing into your own personal, signature style is really an outward expression of an inward maturing self-confidence of who you are as a person.  I’ve told my own kids (not that they listened, haha)– you take who you are with you where ever you go, so you should like who you bring along.  Attitude is what you wear whether you’re aware of it or not — when you look good, you feel good & when you feel good, you look good.  Confidence is always attractive in either gender.

Fit 

My line for JHilburn is, “I have a tape measure and I know how to use it” (from The Bat, 1959, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it.”).  One of the aspects that attracted me to the luxury menswear company was the custom fit for the man (approximately 10 measurements for a shirt).  I haven’t done my research on the availability of similar custom fitting companies for women’s apparel, but the idea of getting the right sizing is a good one.

What woman doesn’t have her closet sectioned off into “skinny” and “fat” (& during baby years–with another whole area allocated to pre & post pregnancy) clothes?  Americans tend to think bigger is better, but when living in Europe last year, one of the things my daughter and I definitely took note of was the tailored clothing worn by both men and women, regardless of the size of their frame.

The tendency is that if someone is not supermodel thin, then they wear boxier clothes, but sometimes a fitted look actually compliments a larger person’s frame more. (However, too small or tight can also be an unflattering fashion faux pas.)

Learn what kinds of garment cuts accentuate the positives of your build as well as what “problem” areas you need to work around, then make necessary adjustments.  It’s terrible (from a fashion stance) to admit, but I think safety pins are one of the greatest inventions of all time!

Because I’m small through the shoulders, blouses or dresses will often be too baggy and so, in a pinch, I’ve found just pulling the back shoulders together with a safety pin at the center back of the neck makes the fit better  (at least until I can get the garment into my seamstress).  I’ve also been known to buy something that I like parts of (say the color, cut or fabric), but there’s other parts I’m not crazy about, so I take a scissors to it and change it.

Make the fashion “fit” you, not the other way around.  Store bought isn’t always the best fit– for you –and making even a minor adjustment, like where a hemline hits your legs, makes all the difference.   Without the alteration, the “mis”-fit may not even be apparent, but after the change, an outfit can go to “wow! that looks great!”  We come in all different shapes — so one size definitely does not fit all.  (For my additional perspective on the association between making the most of clothes fitting and fitness see my previous post.)

Finally, Fabric

I’m a very tactile person.  One of my aversions to online clothes shopping is that I cannot “feel” the fabric.  I also always check the fabric content.  I love the draping of silks and — the stretchy-ness of lycra — another one of the greatest inventions for fashion.

One of the best garments ever (at least a personal favorite) is one made of silk with about 5% spandex/lycra!  (LYCRA® fiber is a man-made elastane fiber, always blended with other fibers with unique stretch and recovery properties).  The point here is:  Get to know the different kinds of fabrics and learn to appreciate each one of their unique qualities — cotton, linen, cashmere & wools, velvet (also great blended with lycra), suede/leather, sports/outdoor fabrics like GORE-TEX® and more.

I love the look of linen, especially a white Animas shirt on a man for summer.  Thankfully for men and luckily for women with men, fabrics especially transcends the fashion genders and the selection of fabrics for men is nearly as expansive as it is for women (though it takes a brave man to pull off a chiffon).

Fabric in a garment makes a difference in the way it wears as well as in the feel, look, and longevity.  The fashion police would probably issue me a ticket because I will machine wash “dry clean only” clothes on the delicate cycle, then line dry them without compromising the garment (too much).   I figure what I’ve saved on dry cleaning expenses can go to buying something new to wear.  (Washing words to the wise, wools shrink a lot and an acetate lining will shrink at a different percentage than the other fabric it lines.)

Whether you’re fortunate to afford top designers and buy beautiful clothing or if you’re working with a limited clothing budget and have to make the best of what you can–  Attitude, Fit, & Fabric factor into every wardrobe.  When image plays an increasingly significant role, particularly in the professional environment, it helps knowing how to apply a few fashion guidelines for either gender.  As a girl who had it going on with great style, fashion icon Marilyn Monroe ironically said, “I don’t mind living in a man’s world, as long as I can be a woman in it.”
- Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn: Her Life in Her Own Words

Every time I hear it, I want to press the accelerator a little harder, go a little faster, bounce in my seat, and sing out loud. If I’m at home, I simply must move, dance, and celebrate being strong, a survivor.

Now, of course, I know that guys too have their hearts broken. They too face repression and oppression. The song is for both genders, especially because both genders created it. Still, more films, music, books, and poetry have featured the bereft woman, picking up the pieces, buying new dresses, sitting for brighter highlights, and facing an uncertain future once more, carrying on with and for her children.

I think of her–that woman curled into a fetal position and staring at the walls all through that first night, her gut empty, sick at the thought of food and dawn. I think of the one who fell to her knees when she received word that her soldier husband would not return home to her; of the woman in the midst of choosing carpet and tile for her brand new home answering the door to learn that her husband of twenty-five years will no longer require the home or her. He’s found someone new. I also think of all those women who did not seek fame or infamy as they spoke of women’s health care and impossibly difficult choices.

Like those victimized by bad economies, downsizing, corporate mergers, fire, Hurricane Katrina, F-4+ tornadoes, glib talk-show hosts, and countless other setbacks, these women doubt their worth. For a time different for each, deep in the core of their mirrors, they doubt themselves.

But the best of us cannot be destroyed without our agreement. The bed can feel huge and cold, the world foreign and cruel, or as the Clarkson hit tells us in the opening lines, the bed may be “warmer / Sleeping [t]here alone.” We can exist in a monochromatic world of bleak sorrows, or we can “dream in color / And do the things [we] want.” We can choose to believe that “everything good is gone,” or we “can stand a little taller,” remembering that the day when it comes down to “just me, myself and I” is not an end, but a beginning.

So, sing it, women of all ages and nations, “What doesn’t kill [us] makes [us] stronger!” Heartache, heartbreak, name-calling, assault, and mandatory constrictions do not define us unless we agree to be defined. Stand tall and sing out!

Dating at any age is hard. But what’s even harder is not knowing what you’re looking for. It’s like going to the grocery store without knowing what you want to buy; you’re likely to waste a lot of your precious time. It’s important to know yourself and what you can and cannot deal with. Look past the superficial traits and delve deeper into your personality to figure out what kind of partner will truly bring out the best in you. Before we get to know someone else intimately, it’s only fair that we get to know ourselves first. My advice: introspect, and do it often.

A few days ago, an old family friend, RS and I were catching up after many years. We were discussing what were the most important ingredients that make up our ideal partner, aside from the cliché list that people normally put forward. Sure, I want a man that is tall, attractive, successful, loyal, and the list goes on, but don’t we all? So we decided to dig a little deeper into our personalities and figure out what would truly make our perfect match. Ironically, R was my childhood crush for many years, and it makes me chuckle a little when I think about how I used to fantasize about us getting married, having children together, etc. You know the usual crazy thinking a pre-adolescence young girl with raging hormones experiences. But the funny part is that as we share our thoughts with each other as 20-somethings now, 15+ years later, we couldn’t have grown into more different, incompatible individuals. But moving on, my five things, in no particular order, that would be deal breakers are:

1. Non-religious. I probably can’t stress this enough. I simply cannot spend the rest of my life with a man that believes in organized religions, vehemently or otherwise. For starters, I want a completely secular wedding, so that would probably create the first problem. But the endless headaches that I foresee religion creating are enough to drive me away from the entire thought.
2. Adventurous. I am not talking about climbing Mount Everest. Having an adventurous side reveals his zest for life. It’s important that he is willing to take risks and push himself. It also shows me he’s willing to face his fears and looking to improve himself by stepping outside his comfort zone.
3. Worldly. Having traveled constantly for the past 6 years and having lived in four different countries, I couldn’t be with a man that wasn’t well-traveled. He has to share my same passion for traveling and exploring other countries, foods, and cultures. What started out as a hobby quickly turned into a lifestyle. A worldly man also often means that he’s open-minded, which is so so important in my book!
4. Conversationalist. Looks fade, but one’s ability to tell stories will last a lifetime. Being a good conversationalist tells me that the guy has had many experiences in life that are worth recounting and sharing. It gives a certain depth to his personality that keeps me intrigued.
5. Humorous. He doesn’t need to be a comedian, but he should be able to make me laugh and more importantly, laugh at himself. People shouldn’t take themselves so seriously because life is too short. A sense of humor also speaks to other traits such as confidence. If you can laugh at yourself, you are more than likely pretty secure with who you are. And there is nothing sexier than a confident man!

What are some important traits that you look for in a partner?

The magazine is based in Santiago, Chile, so there is no way I would have heard of it or had the opportunity to work with such a revolutionary publication if it wasn’t for networking. A Chilean friend of mine, AZ, whom I had met in India while we were both working for the same company, was serving as the Editor-in-Chief at the time when she asked me to write an article about Uganda, after I had returned from my trip.

And that one article led me to be a regular journalist for the publication, as well as their head marketer. Fortunately, I was able to fuse three of my foremost passions—writing, marketing, and traveling.

Sure, merit and hard work are extremely important. But sometimes it’s just not enough. Much of this world, though it pains me to say it, is about “who you know,” instead of “what you know.” When you’re applying for a job that receives 1,000 equally qualified applicants, you can either rely on a stroke of good luck or start looking at your contact list to see if you may know someone in that organization that might help to get your application recognized. What you know is important for you to sustain the job, but who you know can help to get your foot in the door and be your personal stamp of approval.

A few tips I have learned over the years:

• Don’t burn your bridges. Just because someone couldn’t help you at one point, doesn’t mean that they can’t be your saving grace at another point in time.
• Be honest. People can see right past schmoozers and fake people. Genuinely care about what the other person is saying without the thought of “What can this person do for me?” repeatedly swirling in your head.
• Never write off a person because you’re “ahead” of them in the game now. According to the old adage, “Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your a** tomorrow.”
• Be kind. People may or may not remember what you did or said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

If you’re interested in knowing more about the magazine, you can follow us at www.facebook.com/traveltimemagazine, www.twitter.com/traveltimemag, and www.pinterest.com/traveltimemag. It’s printed in both English and Spanish.

One testy discussion included music. I argued for limiting exposure to popular lyrics and MTV or VH1 because they are pernicious, weaving their way into our memories, often without our critical judgment or awareness.

For example, in my experience, a new song takes hold before I’m even aware of its message. It catches one part of my attention as I drive while my brain is otherwise busy processing the proximity of other cars, the color of traffic signals, the posted speed, and road conditions. Music recedes further and further into the background as road speed and congestion increase.

Still the song’s rhythm, the quality of the vocals, and the instruments command my attention. Like those “American Bandstand” kids fifty years ago, upon first hearing a new recording, I’ll like or dislike it based upon a superficial judgment. Much, much later, I may become aware of a phrase or the chorus repeated, but still I fail to appreciate the whole and the full meaning of the lyrics escapes me. I must stop and heed the words in order to fully appreciate the message of the song, and when I do, I am often stunned by that message.

So it was with Bruce Springsteen’s wonderful song, “Born in the USA.” Many, including me, were surprised to learn that the lyrics do not, in fact, celebrate America uncritically. The lyrics clearly convey sorrow, including that of veterans returning from war.

Another startling song is one by 50 Cent, “Candy Shop.” I never paid close attention to the lyrics until the Pom Pon dance squad performed to a snippet from that song. I was already an old fogie about the trend in uniforms and dance moves for high school girls before I heard “lollipop” as a metaphor for the penis at 10:00 a.m. during a pep assembly so later, I stopped to listen closely to the entire tune. It was graphic, salacious, yet undeniable because of the beat, a very danceable song.

Another that disturbed me was Smashmouth’s “Walkin’ on the Sun.” The first word I picked out was “toked” so I just wasn’t sure my daughter should own it until I analyzed the lyrics and concluded the song was a much more positive call to action than a sexual or drug come-on. “Superstar” was similar: a beat that defies being still in its presence and lyrics that inspire listeners to believe and dream big.

MTV was more worrisome and frightening, however. The videos planted suggestive, sometimes confusing images, possibly urging teens to make choices that are better made when older and more self-assured. The programming that MTV created was worse. Those young adults thrown together under one roof cursed, drank to excess, teased and toyed with each other. They were heartless and heartbroken often, especially because few boundaries existed for them and their behaviors.

Thus, without defining it clearly for myself or my daughter, I was at war with her generation. I wanted to limit her exposure and shield her from the worst trends, including increasingly tighter and tighter clothing, lower and lower necklines, and the sounds of provocative music everywhere.

My own hypocrisy soon dawned on me, however. A generation before mine broke ground by swooning and gyrating with Elvis and Jerry Lee even as preachers and social scientists predicted the fall of civilization. More girls screamed and cried in the presence of The Beatles, musical escorts for my journey from age 12 through college graduation, and like them, at first, we just “wanted to hold hands” and “Twist and Shout the night away.” Soon though, like them, we sought deeper understandings and connections. Gurus and Timothy Leary beckoned as did Haight-Ashbury and Woodstock. We learned from them that the “love you take is equal to the love you make,” and Beatle lyrics even advised us to “give peace a chance” as war and protest rocked the sensibilities of the electorate.

So what did we from the so-called Hippie generation become? Stock-brokers, Steve Jobs, high-powered attorneys without much time for pro bono work, teachers and doctors and iron workers. We found a channel into the world and merged with the great rivers that flow past events that we deem momentous, eroding their sharp outlines and consigning them to the past.

Music accompanied us day in and day out, but it didn’t ruin us. And thus, I found my rhythm and understanding. I bought my daughter a copy of Smashmouth’s CD. I talked with her about lyrics and their pernicious talent to weave a narrative that is best woven in conscious deliberation. I spoke about the necessity of respecting boundaries, but ultimately, I resigned myself to the truth that ideas should never be censored because they must be dragged into the light and examined from every angle in order to embrace some and reject others.

I also remembered the lesson that Milton taught through his version of Eve’s downfall: forbidden fruit is just too enticing, especially when a wicked flatterer slithers by. My daughter needed to be well armed against flatterers who would persuade her to act against her own best interests. Finally, I acknowledged that each of us encounters temptation and bad ideas, and each of us needs to be armed against them not by a parent’s will, but by our own.